Hon, kids can just be buttheads at that age because they know they still need you and at the same time think they know everything. What you are going through is not unique, I have 3 who argue every point with me at 12, 16 and 19 At least the arguments with the 19-year-old are now currently long distance, lol.
You need to learn to quell the debate. Leave the room, go for a drive, and just accept that there are many things that will result in your tears at this time in YOUR life.
So you need to embrace the notion much more than you are doing now that his behavior has nothing to do with how he feels about you or how you raised him. It seems very antithetical to not take things personally as a parent but that’s exactly what you need to do.
I was in a coma 5 years ago and couldn’t do all of the housework, etc. for quite a long time. None of my three children stepped up as they should have but when I stopped equating that with whether they loved me and just recognized that regardless of how I have raised them they are just being kids, it wasn’t nearly as hard to deal with as it was when I kept thinking do they not love me at all?