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You can’t deny it: Teens experiment with alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana, prescription pills and more. What do you do when you find out they’re using—and how do you prevent them from abusing?

Sober mom:how to tell my kids I’m an alcoholic (9 posts)

1 year, 9 months ago
By lilasgirl1960

I’ve been sober for 19 years and have a 14 year old and 11 year old girls. They know my husband and I don’t drink but don’t know why except that it didn’t make us feel good. My oldest is starting high school and I want to tell her that drinking and drugging would be especially dangerous for her since genetics are not in her favor . My husband doesn,t want to tell her because he thinks she will see it turned out ok for us and will make her think she’ll be fine. I think telling her some of our horror stories will make her think twice before she picks up a drink. Should i tell her my history?

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sheliak said 1 year, 9 months ago:

I have 2 sons in jr. high. AGes 12 & 14… and I think that honesty is always the best policy. I do agree with both u & ur husband — however times r so different than we were in school!!! idk ur ages but I’m 42( our kids r lil younger bc we struggled with infertility for 8 years) I think if u have that ” gut feeling” that’s pushing u to open up, I feel u should. idk if ur really close to ur children but sometimes we do not know all that’s going on… and I can promise u if ur daughters in high school — one of het friends r another classmate has drank, or knows a few stories related to this! I feel uf u open up and tell her, I think she will see how this happens to alot more ppl than they realize. kids today feel like they r so alone! they feel like none of us can relate or understand them… that’s not true. but kids feel things differently. I also feel that society plays an important role, their friends.. and if u have a good support system. we all want our children to be around good kids, but I see how some of these other kids just say what their parents want to hear.. reply if u need. my oldest is n 8 th grade & I’m going thru lil drama as well. I feel we all r going to go thru drama in these teen years…. and this site is a wonderful place for all us parents to get support from one another.
wishing u wisdom, and praying for ur family. thanks shelia:)
els12 said 1 year, 9 months ago:

Please tell them. I believe that parents with addictions are more likely to have children with addictions. I know this is not always the case, but if your children know the truth about why their parents don’t drink, they should come to understand how very dangerous it can be. They need to know for their own health and safety. Deal with it age appropriately … your older child may ask more questions than the younger one. The younger one may need less details than the older one. Use your best judgement as a parent. But tell them the truth. You can’t make decisions for them, but give them the knowledge they need to make the best decisions they can on their own. Alternatively, if they do experiment with alcohol, be firm with your own choice to abstain and reinforce the dangers without making them feel that they are less loved because of the choices they may have made. Love them and support them and always tell them the truth. My husband is currently going through this same addiction. Our children are 14, 10, and 8. We were forced into telling them because of the legal and health consequences that have come about for my husband. We answer their questions the best we can and give them information as they request or need it. I really did want to protect them – to keep their father “perfect” in their eyes. I actually tried to do that for a long time. Circumstances made it impossible to hide it anymore. I don’t know that I hurt them by hiding the fact that alcoholism has been haunting our home for years, but I know that I didn’t help the situation. I just pray that their future choices will reflect the truth that they now know. I pray that they never have to face the trials that we, their parents, are facing. And I pray the same for your family. God bless.
chjmk said 1 year, 8 months ago:

Firstly, congratulations on your sobriety! What’s even better is that you are opening up about your struggle and seeking advice, because the disease of alcoholism is much more complicated by the shame and secrecy that go hand in hand with both having it and living with a person who is addicted. My dad was an alcoholic, so growing up I had the perfect example of what addiction does. Realize that experimentation and social drinking are much different for the “normal” person that they are for the alcoholic. Even growing up with my dad, I did experiment and it ran it’s course very quickly– I don’t drink and was done after about 3 episodes of drunkeness and hang over. 25 years ago, no one said drinking was genetic, it was more looked at as a character flaw. But, the thinking is very different now, and your daughter needs to understand the potential for addictive personality and tendency that runs in the family– and it isn’t just alcohol. She must be informed just as if breast cancer ran in the family. This way, she can take steps to make healthy and informed choices. Unfortunately, your hubby has the secrecy habit as an ingrained one and he’s not thinking objectively. Go with honesty, safety, and open the doors of communication. Be cautious about oversharing or assuming that alcohol is as much as a loaded gun for her as it is for you. Don’t go for the “horror” stories, it won’t accomplish what you hope. But do tell her how hard it was to overcome your addiction. Reassure her that you chose sobriety every day. Acknowledge that she has to learn to trust her own instincts and learn her own tolerance levels if she does decide to experiment. Let her know you are holding her accountable and that you want her to be honest about any and all experimentation. Tell her to stick to the “just ONE” rule– and how to be responsible instead of just saying “don’t”.
cmebgo said 1 year, 8 months ago:

I have been sober for 23 years and I have a 16 and 14 yo. My ex husband is also in recovery (26 years). We told our kids when my oldest was 13. I don’t think my oldest was ready. Since then, we talk about genetics and why we used rather than the ‘horror stories’. The Search Institute released a study that says teens need a mentor, a spark and a voice. I’ve made sure to get my kids all of these (which I never had). Having a spark (passion) gives kids a sense of belonging which I also never had. Without their knowing, I’ve also used a lot of principles and steps in their lives – which can feel like it backfires when they tell me to start my day over, live in the solution or easy does it.
momof2phx said 1 year, 8 months ago:

I’m 35 & have 2 kids. I realized I was an alcoholic when I got my DUI last May.

I think about & work on how I will tell my 7 year old about the dangers of underaged drinking, every day. For me that hard lesson of early adulthood came when I was 19. I was invited to a going away party hosted (with keg beer bought by the boys mother~ served from her home for “safety” reasons) out in Mesa. When I started showing signs of being intoxicated his mother stripped me of my keys (which was a first & naturally humiliating) and later escorted me to bed in his bedroom where he took the liberty of joining & date raping me…all in the name of keeping me off the road.

I want people to tell their daughters that they aren’t safe in an altered mental state, anywhere but home. And a mother who’s “nice” enough to buy a bunch of teenagers a keg of beer might be snatching the keys of young pretty girls, with more than their safety in mind.
louisecarol said 1 year, 8 months ago:

I think you should definitely tell them so they will be able to make an informed choice going forward. I don’t drink more so for religious reasons than anything else. I had a friend who started drinking when he was 15 and now in his 50′s has all kinds of health problems and lost his last job. I have noticed my nieces seem to drink regularly as part of socializing. Anyhow, I think you should talk to your kids about their risks and also perhaps some of the difficulties your drinking caused.
njmom said 1 year, 8 months ago:

Hi, I just joined and your post is the first one that I have opened. I am the daughter of two alcoholic parents and an alcoholic step dad. All of whom are now deceased for other reasons but the alcohol didn’t help. I grew up in a house where alcohol was ever constant, drinks before dinner was made, drinks during dinner and then after dinner I had two passed out adults. If I wanted to ask a question I had to do so prior to 5pm. I had a window of about 1/2 hour to communicate to the adults in my house. There were three children, two are non alcoholic functioning adults. My youngest brother is a drinker, smoker and has done serious drugs and I am not sure if he is continuing as I don’t see him but once every 10 years. His life is quite sad. The fact that you will admit this to your children is quite commendable. I wish my parents could have done the same. I am sure you are providing a much more nurturing environment than I had. The real damage done to children of alcoholic parents is the hopelessness and loneliness of the children. If you had a history of cancer in your family would you not tell your kids so they think you are perfect? Alcoholism is a disease as much as cancer is and your children need to know that they are at risk…..I make it a point to tell people that my parents were alcoholics when they insist over and over to have a drink…If you had lung cancer would you let someone force a cigarette on you? There is no right age to tell them…just be honest with them…and there for them.
bakingmom02 said 1 year, 3 months ago:

i believe honesty, as others have said, is the best approach. My father was an alcoholic my whole life as a kid, up till I was 20. I understand the damage it does and am glad your children do not have to live that life. However to deny a part of your past will cause more damage in the future if one of them should have a problem with it. If your kids are mature enough in their personality to not use it as an excuse to make bad choices, I’d tell them sooner than later. My daughter is 9 1/2 yrs old and already knows about her father’s past use of marijuana. She knows he liked it when he used it and she also knows he doesn’t want her to go down that path. We didn’t just dump it on her at this young age, though. We waited until she asked questions about why people do those things, brought up by a news story I believe. So we took advantage of her curiosity and explained it. The same approach can be used to address alcohol. To deny your past issues with alcohol will make your children look at you like a hypocrite in the future when they eventually find out, and they will. Telling them now lets you be open in the discussion and makes your children respect you more for revealing it directly. Its kind of like trying to avoid having a talk about sex. Would you rather they hear about it from you or someone else who may not have all the facts?